Growing the Boy

I don't think I've mentioned much about the breastfeeding. I always assumed we'd do it and that there would be some bumps in the road along the way because, well, everyone seems to have some problems or challenges breastfeeding, especially at first.
Henry and I have gotten really good at nursing. It was never as hard as some have it for us. I never had any pain or blisters or any problems getting him to latch on. Our main difficulty was my inability to sit comfortably and subsequently my inability to figure out how to nurse lying down.
Henry hasn't had any formula and I'm pretty proud of that. He has learned to take bottles of expressed milk at daycare but at home he only nurses. In the last 2 weeks, he has gotten distracted by the other happenings in the room. For his first 3 months of life, when I put him to breast, he was focused and completely absorbed by the eating process. Now he's learning that there is a big exciting world around him and sometimes he is as equally interested in his surroundings as the eating task at hand. He will pull off and look up at me, look over at Rob, look at the dog or the lamp or ceiling fan, or sometimes he just pulls off to grin at me. That melts my heart, but sometimes we are in a bit of a time crunch and I need him to eat. That is precisely the time he will decide to check out the room around him.
I really have grown to enjoy feeding him. I find it a quiet, peaceful time even if in the middle of a chaotic day. He clasps his hands together and then tries to stuff both fists against my skin or under my shirt where it is warm.
I also have to spend quality time with my pump at work. This is not so quiet, peaceful, or sweet. Fortunately, I have been able to get enough milk each day to get H through daycare the next day and at the end of the week I've had a little milk leftover to freeze. It would seem that breastfeeding would be intuitive, but there is a lot to learn. We seem to have it down pretty well now, though. I hope to keep it up with nothing supplementing him until 6 months. Then we will reevaluate whether he might be ready for some solid foods or not. I want to breastfeed him for a year, but will take each month that he gets my milk as a huge success. I really love that time with my boy. It is something no one else can give him.

Henry

There have been so many parts of this having a baby process that are inexplicable. I try to explain but words fall short. Falling in love with this little baby is yet another example. As Henry grows and changes and learns new things, he just becomes more and more his own person and so completely amazing. I love him more than I thought possible. I want to be with him whenever I can. I miss him when I am at work and I think about him all day long. Rob and I both have a fascination with watching him, just watching. He is so bright, so alert and has been since the moment he was born. He watches us intently, he really seems to concentrate when you play him music or talk to him. He smiles at us, sometimes he makes sounds while smiling that come close to a laugh. He reaches out to touch your face, though at this point his motor skills aren't so refined that you could be certain he is doing that on purpose.
He is such a cuddly little guy. He will hold your hand and curl his body up and rest his head on your shoulder. If he's hungry, even a little, he might try to latch onto your shoulder- or your nose, chin, or finger!
I think about him too much. I worry about him too much. I want to know what he will be like when he is older yet I want him to stay little for as long as possible. He is the most interesting and beautiful little person I've ever met.

Back to Work

I have been back to work now for 2 weeks and a few days. Dropping Henry off at the home daycare we found and going to work that first day was the hardest thing I've had to do in years, possibly ever. I was so very sad to be handing him over. The days since then have gotten better but are not yet really fun. I miss my little man so much and think of him all day long. I like the daycare provider and her home seems to be a very happy, warm and safe place. I think she likes Henry a lot and that he has a good time there. He sleeps away most evenings now and I imagine this is because he had a long day of activity and attention. That is a relief to me; I know he is well cared for. Then again, evenings are my only time now with him and it is a little sad when he is asleep for most of it. On the third hand, I have gotten holiday baking done because he is sleeping! I love the weekends. I want to hold him or wear him in the Moby wrap as much as I can.
The schedule is tough now also. I am working 8-5 in order to have a day off every other week. My days begin (sort of) around 6 when the H man wakes up very slowly and wants to eat. I feed him while half asleep and we both doze off until 6:30 and I have to get up. Henry stays in bed while I clean up and get dressed, then he usually is awake enough to get changed and then sit on Rob or on his Boppy while I gather his daycare necessities, my pump and all the parts and bottles that I've washed the night before, and maybe throw in a load of laundry. I feed him one more time and we are out the door by 7:15. I drop him about 7:30 and cry my way to work. Once there, I am OK and go about catching up on all the work I didn't do for 3 months. I'm not terribly good at this and not particularly enthusiastic about work because funding cuts have really decimated some of the services my clients have relied on and I hate being the bearer of bad news- and having gather the same amount of data for much reduced services. Then there is political drama, cliquey crap, questionable supervision from higher up than my office, holiday activities that are at times enjoyable and others more trouble than they are worth, and worries about money and funding and how clients will swing utility bills in a harsh economic climate this winter. I sometimes go to feed him at lunchtime, that too is a good break in my day.
The best part of the day is 5:00, really 4:57 as this is generally when the 5pm exiters move towards the elevators and out the doors. I head towards my baby and really nothing makes me happier.

Measurements

Henry had his three month appointment today and he has gained exactly 5 lbs since his birth. He is now 14 lbs 7 oz.
He has also grown exactly 5 inches (!!!) since birth. He is 26 inches long.
He is in the 97th percentile for length, 75th for weight, and 99th for head circumference. We grow 'em big here!

Three Months with Henry!

This is probably the last month I will be able to lay my boy down side to side in his crib!

12 Weeks and Back to Work

The weeks have flown by. Three months seemed like a very long time, more than adequate to be away from work and to get myself and my baby to a place where we'd be ready to be apart for some hours most days. It turns out that 3 months is not long enough. I am so, so not ready. I don't think I would like to stay home every day and just care for Henry, but I do think I could use another month or two or three just with him. He's so small, he's just beginning to know who we are and to interact with us. He has had so few bottles that I worry he won't take one when I am away from him. I still have the crazy crying hormones, or maybe this is just my new normal. I don't know how I'm going to drop him off at the home daycare we've chosen and then walk to my car and go to work. I can't really get past that moment. I think he will be safe and cared for in his daycare setting, I just feel sad that someone else gets to hold my little guy and play with him all day and it can't be me. He's only small once and I am enjoying him. There is no option here, I am our main income and will be for at least another year or two, probably longer. Rob has to write, we all have to have health insurance and eating is good too. I am just so sad. I never imagined I'd feel like this, but there are 1000 things I never imagined I would feel that have come up in the last year or so. Surprise! Life is unpredictable.
I also lament that our lives are going to get so much more complicated. I feel as though things have been so simple for these months. Daily tasks are mundane and small: some laundry, a shower, load and unload dishwasher, stuff diapers, change diapers, bathe Henry, rock him to sleep, maybe some simple errands. Working again means having to organize many things to take to daycare:outfits, diapers, wipes, bottles, milk. Do I give her instructions on how to care for him? We don't have much of a schedule.
Every morning, we/I will have to have this ready and also have Henry properly dressed for the weather, clean and fed to make it to daycare so I can get to work on time. Most mornings, I will also be properly dressed, clean, and fed. I will be at work and pumping 3 times a day to supply milk for the next day. At the end of the day, I will get Henry (this will make me so happy!!) and head home where we will have a few short evening hours to eat, clean, enjoy our boy, talk to each other, care for the dog, do laundry, and any other errands that need to happen.
This all sounds hopelessly complicated. How, exactly, do people make time for themselves, time to exercise, time to walk the dog, to clean, to socialize, to keep up your relationship with your partner, and also find the time to eat and drink after a baby arrives? I am not sure how it will work. Then again, I thought between H's 1st and 5th weeks on earth that we'd never sleep again. I suppose things just fall into place and you adapt.
This is a lot of rambling. I am just sad. I am going to miss this little guy so much.

10 weeks