Staying Home

Clayton is 7 weeks old right now, and things are going well. He's growing big (very big!) and is 6 month clothing right now. Yikes. I'm sure he'll slow down, as this family doesn't seem to have giant babies other than at birth.
It's hard for me to believe this is week 7 because I feel 100%, completely normal. I think I felt this way several weeks ago even. What a difference the second baby makes!!! I'm not sure if it was having him at home, him being the second baby, just a general mindset of an experienced parent, or a combination of all of the above, but I feel great. At 7 weeks postpartum with Henry, I was moving slower, still having some pain, and feeling hormonal and overwhelmed. I have none of that this time. Nursing is easy, Clayton is a delight, and I'm figuring out how to take care of two kiddos. Physically, I feel like I never gave birth which is amazing to me!

With Henry, I had 5 weeks left at this point before I returned to work. I was dreading every day that passed. I cried daily about it. I'm not going back to work this time. Staying at home with kids was never on my radar before Henry, and really not even a realistic possibility then. Like the whole birth and recovery experience, this time around is a totally new ballgame. My salary was going to be negated by daycare and I really did not like my job. It was never a great position to have, but it was something I could handle and my foot in the door to employment in Peoria which was important. I did fine there, nothing outstanding, but adequate I believe, and gradually felt more and more buried in liability there. Things beyond my control were happening and continuing to escalate, and as a supervisor I began to feel like many fell back to me and could potentially follow me around for the rest of my career- or what would be left of my career if I had those things in my background. It was too much. A social worker doesn't earn enough money to take on huge legal responsibilities and to work 50-60 weeks while being on call every minute of the day. No thanks.

Fortunately we had options. Rob is gainfully employed and carries our health insurance. Living on his salary alone will mean things are tight, but doable. I was ready to be relieved of the responsibilities of that job. I think Rob was ready as well, though the financial aspect of that change is pretty monumental.

We've hashed and rehashed our finances, and will continue to do so. I'm going to continue to work on small projects that might bring in some income and to budget our groceries and gas and clothing carefully. I am now a stay at home mom. It doesn't feel permanent yet, especially given that if I were on maternity leave, I'd barely be halfway through my FMLA. I think it will feel "real" at week 12 or 13.

Right now I'm just learning about spending all day with my boys. I'm enjoying it! Henry is a real challenge, but we're working on it. I'll write more about some of our projects, but I have time to get there. I barely feel like I am qualified to talk about being a "stay at home" anyway, not yet.

Birth Story for Clayton Mark

I was 41 weeks exactly the day Clayton arrived. I had Henry at 40 and 4 so I was surprised to go past that day but not really worried. I was uncomfortable but not miserable and I knew life with two little people was going to be challenging so I wasn’t rushing it! My only concern at reaching 41 was that our carefully planned homebirth would be likely impossible past 42 weeks as my midwife would risk me out. Just as with Henry, I had no signs of labor in advance at all, absolutely nothing.

But it didn’t matter! The morning of 41 weeks, May 29, 2013, I woke up uncharacteristically early and instead of rolling (with difficulty) back over to sleep, I got up and made myself a big breakfast in the silence while Henry and Rob slept. When Henry got up, I made him breakfast then went and reclined a little on the couch. It was then I noticed that my pants were getting wet, not much but noticeably. I knew I hadn’t wet my pants, and nothing was coming out when I stood up, so I guessed that I had a leak in my amniotic sac and reclining was allowing it to come out. I was so happy! This was the beginning of things! It was around 9am. I immediately texted our midwife and doula. Rob was still in bed upstairs, so I texted him and said this was starting! We had prepared our house for the birth, but at 41 weeks we had been “ready” many times over and then some towels would get used, the kitchen would get cluttered again, and the rug would need a vacuum so there were always one or two things left to do. Rob called his mom and dad, as they were each planning to drive here from their respective cities and be here around birthing time. Together we put the waterproof pad on our bed and remade it with clean sheets, and I had a big contraction. I was determined to get the laundry out of the dryer and folded, so I did that and by the time I finished, I was timing contractions. Rob called the midwife, Brande, and told her this was real, then called the doula and asked her to come now. Brande was at another birth, so she said she was sending her backup and an assistant. In her years of practice in our city, my midwife has never missed a birth but mine became that milestone for her.

Rob came to help with laundry and told me to stop because I was already moaning through the contractions. I began to rely on him to put pressure on my hips. I had 2-3 minutes between then, during which I continued to get things ready and Rob was running around inflating our tub, making sure Henry had a video to watch, and pulling the hoses into place to start filling the tub. He told me to put on my swimsuit because I wouldn’t feel like it later, so I was wearing a suit and leaning on our buffet having contractions as our birth team began assembling.

Our doula Joanna arrived, and the backup midwife Amie and her assistant Malory (a midwife in training) with her, all around the same time, about 11am. The tub was nearly full and Amie asked if I wanted to get in. I said “It’s not too early?” and she chuckled at me and said no, it definitely was not too early.

I got in and that felt really nice. It was a warm, sunny day and our windows were open, and the pool felt cool and relaxing, and the next few contractions were a little easier. I had studied Hypnobabies and know the scripts pretty well, so I put them in my head and would just try to keep my moaning low when the intensity hit me, and just think “open, open, open” while staying on top of the wave. I stayed ahead of the pain, and Rob, JoAnna, probably Amie (midwife) and Malory (assistant) all put pressure on my hips and lower back. I was on my knees the entire time. I didn’t know whose hands were where but I appreciated the pressure especially as the baby got lower. It wasn’t long until I knew I was going to need to push. I didn’t have to tell anyone a thing, as I heard someone say they could tell by the shape of my back and tailbone that the baby was right there. I was scared to push after  tearing with Henry, but of course this was happening whether I was scared or not! I had pushing urges through two contractions before I finally gave in and decided it was time. I let myself push just a little and started to feel something come out. I was really shocked thinking this is a head, on the first push?? But it wasn’t; it was soft. It was the amniotic sac coming out intact. I pushed again on the next wave and it came out like a bubble and I said, “There is a sac out!” because I wasn’t sure if anyone could see since I was on my knees and upright, leaning on the tub wall.

Then I got to pushing again and this was definitely not a sac, but a head! It wasn’t as bumpy as I remember feeling with Henry, but that can be explained by Henry having an arm up next to his head and this baby did not (thankfully!!!). Amie told me to move one of my legs further over, and I became acutely aware of how important it was then to listen to the midwives. I knew this baby would be big and I knew shoulder dystocia could be an issue so I was ready for any instruction, and would have stood on my head if they asked me to. I felt the pressure of the head for what seemed like a very short time, and then some relief from the pressure and then Amie said I should stop pushing right then. I did, and didn’t know why until later but our baby came out with his cord wrapped tightly around his neck. The sac was intact over his head, so Amie broke it and unwrapped the cord. She said it wasn’t pulsating at that point and this means the baby went briefly into distress as he emerged and took a breath or two in the tub, so their efforts turned quickly to get him to expel the fluid and take some breaths while his cord was again pulsing and aided by my placenta.  The rest of the baby came out pretty easily as I recall, and Malory had caught him behind me, so I had to take a step back over my cord and sit down to hold him.

Rob said he was born at 12:35pm, so that became the official record. We didn’t take a look at the sex of the baby right away, as he was wrapped in towels and the midwives were giving him oxygen from a little tube directed at his nose and mouth, and were also trying to help keep my shaky arms from letting him get too far into the water of the birthing pool as the water was cool and he needed to stay warm. I kept asking if he was OK, and they assured me he was pinking up and doing better, just that he needed to spit out more water as his lungs were a little wet. I was happy to be through labor, a little worried about this baby, and elated that he was out and we had our healthy little child, whomever he or she was! Rob got Henry and asked if he wanted to see the baby, and he came over briefly but wasn’t impressed, or maybe his video was too important, but when Rob came back I said should we see if we have a boy or girl? I lifted up the towel and before I could see anything, I felt boy parts and said that we had a boy. I was happy about that, having decided a while ago that we’d likely have a boy and that I’d be happy to be the mom of boys.

I was contracting again with the placenta and Amie wasn’t happy with how the baby was breathing, so Malory asked if I wanted go to the bathroom to deliver the placenta and Amie would help the baby breathe better, and I agreed. Skin to skin was important, but the cord had stopped pulsating and he couldn’t try to nurse until his breathing improved so it was best to get him warm and dry and breathing well. Rob cut the cord and helped me get to the bathroom. When I got out of the tub, I could see the cord and also the sac were still there attached to me. The midwives told me he’d been born in the caul, amniotic sac intact. This is said to be a sign of good fortune and is considered a great  honor and blessing in some cultures. I remember seeing cows at my uncle’s farm when I was younger, fresh from delivering a calf, with the afterbirth hanging from them and that is what the sac reminded me of. It was an odd feeling.

I delivered the placenta, which was NOT comfortable, and Malory helped me clean up a little and then get toweled off and into robe and then helped to a recliner in the living room. While I was in the bathroom, I heard Amie call Brande, my main midwife to consult about our baby’s color and breathing. This worried me, and I kept asking “Is he OK? Is he OK?” and I trusted that they would do what was best, even if that meant calling 911 to get him extra help. But the midwives carry oxygen and masks and even some emergency medications that can assist with breathing, and the extra oxygen helped the baby start to breathe more easily.

They handed him to me, and Henry climbed up on my lap to see his brother. I was happy to have both my boys there.

 Amie held the little oxygen hose close to the baby’s face during this time and said when his breathing was stable, he’d try to latch on. It wasn’t long before he did! That was a relief.

Rob and I announced that his name would be Clayton Mark, Clayton after Rob’s best friend who was a really incredible person and character who fought cancer for years, living an amazing life despite it. He passed away in 2011. Mark is my brother’s name, so we’re honoring two great men.

Rob's mom Susan arrived; the midwives weighed and measured Clayton on a quilt my grandma in law Dixie made.

I had them guess his weight before they put him in their sling scale. The guesses ranged from high 8lb range, to mid 9lbs and I said 9lbs 10oz. We were all wrong; this big boy was 10lbs8oz! I couldn’t believe it. His head circumference was similar to his brother’s, 14 and ¾ of an inch, and they were the same length, 21 inches. Henry was 9lbs7oz at birth and I needed quite a few stitches due to his head circumference and his nuchal arm. I expected to need them again, but amazingly when I was checked they decided I didn’t need any!!! That was the best news after hearing that Clayton was breathing well. Whew.

The midwives and doula helped clean up, got me some water and tea and Rob brought me some food. I cuddled with our little boy and off and on with our big one, and enjoyed the warm, sunny day and the fresh air coming in our open windows. This was my first homebirth and it was so different and very comfortable and seemed so normal. We were in no hurry, no one was taking our baby off for anything, no strangers were in and out, we weren’t changing rooms, and I was wearing my own clothes and cuddling with both my children in my own chair.

Our doula Joanna, as it turns out, is also a photographer and captured some beautiful photos of my labor and Clayton’s birth. I am grateful for them and will share those with this story. I am also honored that Clayton was Malory’s first “catch” and that she was very, very excited about him and us and I’m happy for her to be part of his birth story. I’m thankful for Amie’s expertise and for Brande’s input that helped get our little man off to a good start. He has been healthy and very strong since that date. He nurses very well and has been alert, content, and a very good sleeper in his first few days of life.

We are resting and recovering and adjusting to life a as a family of four. Henry is very interested in “his” baby and is loving him as much as we do. I feel that my recovery after this birth has been much easier than with Henry, though birthing such a big boy has been an adjustment to my body and I’m taking it easy.

We love our newest little Fingerhawk!

Spring is on the way

This will be our biggest project of Spring 2013. Fingerhawk offspring #2 is on the way in late May, 2013.

We did not find out if this is to be a boy or a girl, but either way they look healthy and feel active and energetic already.
We are excited for the next big adventure!

2013

Yes, it has been a year and a half since I updated. I hate it when bloggers do that. Much has changed and there are new happenings on the horizon in Peoria. I think of writing often, but the honest truth is that I haven't been all that happy for a long time and it was just depressing to document Henry development and not mention anything else, or to complain about life when things were not truly that bad in the grand scheme of things. It's just been a tough year. We are generally lonely, without a lot of forward-looking events going on. The last several months have given us back a child with newborn sleep patterns and tempers and horrible words that depress us as parents. We're not impressed with his daycare or what happens there, we're tired, I'm not enjoying my job or the heavy responsibilities around it, and we miss our family and St. Louis friends. The Newtown shootings rocked us and we have tried to do small actions and yet feel like nothing matters and that such violence is an inevitability for our child. That vulnerability, frustration, and grief has lasted most of the winter. Rob feels behind on his professional responsibilities, namely getting his dissertation turned into a book, and ongoing health issues plague him. Add all that to a very long, cold, icy winter, and without much social outlet we have some serious cabin fever. Writing didn't really seem like a fantastic idea at any point recently.

BUT I'm going to turn the corner. Spring is brewing, the snow is melting, and we have some good things happening. We have to make a conscious effort to pull out of the fog here and nicer weather and anticipation of new things should be helpful.

Two Years!

Two years with Henry came and went on Sept. 2, 2011. I again have neglected the updates and the photography. I'm mother of the year! Henry did not end up with a haircut in Milwaukee, hence the dearth of first haircut photos. He became very frightened of even the sight of the apron my friend attempted to put on him. It was child-sized and covered in friendly animal print; Henry would have none of it. He screamed as if he were about to have surgery and clung to me. Haircut attempt 1: fail. I am not sure where the fear originates since he's neither been in a hair salon nor been threatened or injured in one, so the panic is a mystery.
I did trim his long hair myself in St. Louis during a visit in August. I took about 4 inches off and saved many little curly pony tail locks because that is what Mothers of the Year do. The hair is still long, and all strangers think Henry is a girl. Rob and I do not care a bit and never correct them; it only gets awkward when strangers learn his name is Henry and fall all over themselves trying to explain how he really DOESN'T look like a girl after all. We don't care. Henry is awesome and would be if he were a she too. She would probably also dress and look the same.
The vocabulary expansion is epic. I would guess Henry has 500 words or so and regularly speaks in long sentences. He even jokes with words now. Even with all of his words, I still love when he's missing a term he needs and says things like, "Mommy, put the 'this' on the bread for Henry". That would be butter; but he's missing that one word. At night, when he's dozing off and still resisting being carried to bed, he'll call out, "No Daddy, I wanna have THIS!" and he means please take me back into your room where I can finish the nursing that I wanted before my sleep. He knows that we know what he wants, so why waste words when you're tired??
That is funny, too, because Henry is freaking VERBOSE. Constant chatter comes from that little mouth. Sometimes it is songs or rhymes, sometimes narrating what he's doing or planning a day of adventure (Henry go swimming with Papa Joe!), sometimes talking to his toys or "reading" his books. He's sweet to us; asks now nightly for "family hugs" and also when out walking, will reach for one of us and demand a hug or a kiss even if we're crossing Main street with its notorious walk sign ignorers.


Two is the best age ever. Neither Rob nor I would choose the early days over this, not even with tantrums and strong preferences on what he wears, reads, or eats. I think Rob has Green Eggs and Ham memorized but still reads it with gusto nightly because Henry loves it so. Maddie is his best buddy and the two of them give each other awkward, mauling hugs at the end of each day.

My work is fine. I have ups and downs, some weeks feel like I should be looking at other jobs and the next week feel that we're gaining some stability. I am not a big fan of how my offices are run; by higher ups who all work out of town and treat us as an afterthought- if that. I get little feedback and while I appreciate non-hovering supervisory styles, I have no idea WTF I am doing or what will be next. Some days I spend 4 hours online playing on my message boards and then the entire next week I'll have so much work that I never even get a lunch break. It is feast or famine and it confuses me.

Rob is doing fantastically. He is busy in his first semester of teaching and reports that Bradley is treating him well and that his department is very supportive and stable. We discovered in mid-September that he'd very unexpectedly won a prestigious award for his dissertation. The award is the highest honor in the country for someone earning an American Studies degree. It opens up some new opportunities for Rob and possibly for us but the concensus in this family is that we're staying in Peoria and near Bradley for a long time. All opportunities will be reviewed and hopefully at the least Rob gets a book out of the deal. We're both going to Baltimare later in October where he'll accept his award and also presumably be wooed by academic presses. I will spend some times with a nearby ninja and also enjoy a nice, toddler free dinner with Rob and our friends Suki and Betsy because my mother-in-law has again come to our rescue and will keep Henry for a few days while we travel. I am excited!

Photos to come, the house has not changed much since I returned to work. I have some plans but nothing really exciting to report...yet. It is livable and we like the space, but I think we could live here 10 years and still not shake the feel of students lingering in the old house. Henry does bring life and excitement to everything, though.

Peorians

We are now Peorians! Seven weeks have flown by and Henry is almost two years old. There is so much to take in and blogging has fallen off my radar.
I owe a post with a LOT of photos now, I realize. We have a new house, Henry has some new riding toys, we've had a few good visits from family and friends who are like family, we have a fantastic porch that we all love, and Henry is a ham and a half. All are reasons to post photos and I'm just too tired to get up and get my camera right now.

First, the move:
We officially moved on June 6. It was the hottest day of the year to date and the moving van took about 12 hours to load. This is much longer than we'd expected so the caravan of my car, Rob's car, and Rob's mom's car complete with 4 pets, 1 todder, all of Rob's guitars and as many valuables as we could stuff in between all that didn't head up to Peoria until after 7pm. We could not stop for food or bathrooms because we had too much stuff and also the pets could not be left for even a few minutes in the stifling heat.

I felt energized and excited and the GPS led us into our new neighborhood via the beautiful and historic Moss Avenue. I was ready to get something to eat and get H into bed for the long day of truck unloading that would follow. Instead, we walked into what seemed like hell. The house was filthy, reeked of smoke, and as my little spaz toddler got his sea legs and began racing around the his room and the hallway upstairs, I realized with horror that the railing over the foyer was dangerously short. H discovered this by wrapping his little arms over the top and pulling his torso up even with the top of the rail. Below him was a two story drop into the front entryway. I lost my cool then, I was done. I started sobbing, wondering what had we done?! We had chosen the least child friendly house possible, the place was disgusting, and we had no money left to divert our belongings to a move to somewhere else. The options were spinning in my head. Could we have them just deliver our stuff to a storage unit? Can we break our lease? How soon can we find another place? But the reality was that our money was spent, our lease was signed and we were stuck.

There was no food to be found at that hour so I choked down about 3 bites of Domino's Pizza (ugh) and helped my mother in law wipe the layer of grime from the bathtub so Henry could have a bath and get some sleep.

By the morning, Susan had a plan. She made a list at some point late the night before or early before the moving van arrived and she told us it was going to be all right. We decided to believe her.

The furniture arrived, all of our things delivered and we began the first of many trips that week to Lowes, Babies R Us, and Target. We stocked up on baby gates, childproofing materials, hooks for clotheslines, sponges and mops for cleaning and vinegar and baking soda to take a layer of smoky dirt off the house.

Susan ended up staying all week, and I doubt she's ever had a LESS restful vacation from work. She was busy improving our house from 6am until 9pm every single night, and as she worked she'd think of new things to fix, make, do, or buy.

By the end of the week, Henry could not come near the low railing and our house was looking up. We still had a list of concerns that we had the landlord deal with- ahhh, the beauty of renting!!!

And that was moving day/week.

I started my job the following Monday so we introduced Henry to his new babysitter a few hours at a time. At first he was very shy but the mom who takes care of him also has a toddler named Madison who Henry warmed to very quickly. He still talks abou his old daycare friends in St. Louis but first in his conversations these days is "Medicine", aka his buddy Madison. Maddie also has a cute baby brother named Mason and Henry loves him too.


Henry had some rough sleep patches in the last month or so, including a couple nights of newborn-like wakefulness. Those nights remind us how far we've come and make me feel like death warmed over. In a new job, with no vacation hours built up, I had no choice but to push through some really long days when all I wanted was to sleep. I had one morning where I actually felt so groggy that it seemed dangerous to drive, but Rob was out of town. This is the tough part about a new city and knowing no one. I had no options. I had to get Henry to his sitter and get to work.

We've survived! We're even making a few friends. Henry now loves "Sawa" and "Medicine" and he plays happily all day, swimming and sliding, listening to music and doing puzzles.

He's been showing off all sorts of new talents. Counting correctly up to 14 is his newest feat, he can also get through most of the alphabet and recognize a few letters individually. I can no longer come close to counting all his words, but there are probably 100 or more. He has a little sense of humor and also says things that neither Rob nor I taught him.

He is still nursing, usually 2 times a day and he will announce when it is "milkie time!" We take walks almost daily and most of them conclude with a visit to the playground near our house. Life is slower here because we don't know people or have much of a social life, but work is keeping me busy and Rob is prepping for his school year by working long hours on syllabi and articles. Henry is going to be 2 soon and I can hardly believe it!!

He and I are taking a road trip to Milwaukee this weekend to meet up with my ninja friends, a group of women I met online while we were pregnant with August (and September in my case) 2009 babies. One of them is a stylist and is going to give Henry his first haircut. I do promise to post photos of that and maybe even a video.


That is the latest from Peoria! We're adjusting to life here very well and despite the rough beginning; we really like our house and neighborhood. I think we're going to be really happy here.

Moving on up...

Things have been just crazy around these parts. Moving day is in four days and counting (YIKES!) and boxes now fill what used to be our dining room. The furniture is gradually moving out to freecyclers, friends, family, and the dumpster outside.
Rob has finished his PhD, defended his dissertation, and as of yesterday, completed the formatting needed to submit the whole thing for graduation. He is officially finished with his PhD. I am finished with my job and set to begin a new employment adventure on June 13.
Henry is handling all of this quite well but I can't help but feel bad for how much his world is about to be rocked. Tomorrow is his daycare party, the women are having a sendoff with treats and they tell me they are very sad to see him go. He'll be going to daycare next week at least for a day, maybe two, and then he'll be a Peorian like we are. He's too little to get any explanations on this, I just hope he can sleep at night and still feels secure.

Henry's vocabulary grows by like 10 words a day I think, or maybe we're just asking him the right questions to get new words out of him.

He is using sentences regularly "Daddy, I'm coming soon!!" "Mommy, where are you??" "Foster, come here NOW!", I love you Arlo, I love you Daddy, I love Mommy.

He also has 12 teeth, five of which grew into his gums in the last month. Poor kid, that has to hurt. He is absolutely hilarious and getting so very big.

Henry is 21 months old today and this is his last week in St. Louis. I am sad and also ready to have our move completed and to get settled in our new town.